Debriefing
by HazardTape
Summary: Follows "Lockdown". After an amorous nebula acts as an aphrodisiac on the crew, Bones needs to talk to everyone about who or what they did while under the influence. Kirk's the last one he has to catch. NOT Bones/Kirk slash, although m/m is mentioned.


_Disclaimer: Paramount owns all things Trek._

_**A/N:** This story will be even funnier if you read "Lockdown" (story # 5630119) either before or after it. And if adult themes and words bug you, please move right along, there's nothing to see here._

* * *

"Jim! Wait up."

Jim Kirk paused as he passed the door to Sickbay on his way to his quarters.

"What's up, Bones?"

"I wanna see you in Sickbay. Come on in."

"Why?" Jim eyed his friend suspiciously; Bones had a penchant for injecting Jim with something and then explaining what it was later.

"Don't be such an infant. Come into my office."

The two men went in and after the door shut, McCoy pulled a bottle out of his desk drawer and poured a couple of shots.

"Cheers," said Jim and downed it; as expected, it was Bones' favorite bourbon. "What's the occasion?"

"I've finally finished checking on everyone who was involved in that orgy on the bridge three days ago. Except you."

"Checking? For what?"

"Are you kidding me? Unplanned pregnancies, STDs, non-consensual activity – No, there wasn't any of that," he said in response to Jim's look of alarm. The captain relaxed.

"Good. I wouldn't want any of my crew to be victimized just because of some horny alien nebula."

"So."

"So?"

"Well, I'm pretty sure you're not pregnant. Unless – You didn't get off with Madeleine, did you?"

Jim shook his head. "No, but I heard she's a real trip."

"I don't think she can impregnate a male human, but better safe than sorry. So who did you get off with?"

"Why do you need to know that?" Jim felt bizarrely reluctant to describe his experience of the orgy in detail. He remembered every moment, but these weren't just people he'd met at a party or a bar.

Bones rolled his eyes.

"I'm your friendly confidential doctor. I'm not asking just to be nosy. Besides, since when are you so coy about recounting your sexual conquests?"

"I'm not being coy. I just – feel funny about doing this stuff with people I know. People I'm – friends with."

"People you command," added McCoy. "Look, just give me some names and I'll know what to scan you for."

A thought struck Jim, and h asked, "Have you asked the same thing of everyone else who was there? Can't you just – figure it out from the other interviews?"

"Jim. Quit wasting my time and tell me whom you fucked, sucked, or masturbated, and who returned the favor." He sat back with his padd and gave Jim his patented "I'm waiting..." glare.

"Okay, okay. Um...let me see...Lt. Uhura. Lt. Gaila. Ensign Flynn from Science." He hesitated, licked his lips. "Lt. ... what's her name, from Science, the redhead..."

"Barnett," supplied McCoy, looking at his notes.

"And then...Uhura again. I think. No, wait, it was Ensign Tucker, the last time."

"Okay, what acts did you perform with each of these individuals?"

"Do you really have to know that?"

"Listen, kid, I want to make sure everybody's telling the truth about what they did and with whom. You wouldn't believe some of the lies I've had to call people on. I want to check your story against the others." He leaned forward. "Because, as the captain, you're not likely to lie to your CMO about the well-being of your crew. Are you."

"Course not," said Jim.. He took a deep breath. "Lt. Uhura, I had intercourse with. Regular sex. Gaila I ate out. Likewise Ensign Flynn, who also went down on me." Again, that minute hesitation. He went on quickly, "Barnett – well, she had her tongue and her fingers in my ass, alternately. And then, Ensign Tucker went down on me when we had that massive daisy chain at the end. That's it."

Bones was glaring at him.

"What, did I score more than you?" Jim grinned. He stood as if about to leave.

"Sit your ass down, Captain," barked his CMO, and Jim sat abruptly, startled.

"You left somebody out, didn't you."

"What do you mean?" He hated that I-know-what-you're-thinking-and-you-should-be-ashamed-of-yourself look that was one of Bones' best weapons.

"I mean that your story differs significantly, in one particular, from the account of one of your crew who claims to have had, and I quote, 'intimate relations' with you."

"Who's that?"

"Well, now, if I told you it wouldn't be any fun guessing, would it? Besides, it would be a breach of confidentiality – _if_ the person's story turned out to be, say, a case of mistaken identity."

Jim studied the older man for a minute, then said, "What if I told you I know who you're talking about?"

"I'd tell you I hate mysteries. That's why I became a doctor. Cough it up, Jim."

Now Jim had a choice: he could tell Bones who he'd left out and endure the teasing he'd be in for, or he could deny it and imply the other party was nuts. Except he knew the latter implication would never stick, not in a million years. He sighed.

"This is totally between you and me, right, Bones? If there are no consequences from our actions, it doesn't have to go in our files?"

"As long as you both check out healthy, I won't be naming names."

"It was Spock."

Bones stared at him, this time not in ire, but in shock.

"Go ahead and laugh. I got a blow job from Commander Spock. While being finger fucked and watching Uhura get off on Spock's leg, I might add."

Bones just stared. Jim felt annoyed.

"What? We were under the influence, right? You know I don't go for guys. I don't know what Spock goes for – besides Uhura. Case closed."

Bones cleared his throat and looked down at his padd.

"Actually, I have a different name here. Says he fucked your ass. Described it in detail. Too much detail, actually."

"Who the hell would say that?" Now Jim was getting downright mad.

"Lt. Cooper," said Bones reluctantly. "Dwight Cooper. You're sure you didn't - ?"

"Of course I'm sure," snapped Jim. "I may have been loopy, but believe me, I keep track of anyone who's ever put anything in my ass."

Bones, for whom this was nearly too much information, shook his head, and admitted, "Well, I'm not inclined to believe him, anyway. According to his epic saga, he fucked or sucked everyone on the bridge except Spock, and that was – " He referred to his notes. "'Because Uhura tried to bite me whenever I got too close to him.' He's delusional. There's no way he had time for all that, and there are only three other people who admit to interacting with him."

"Well, one of 'em wasn't me," said Jim emphatically and rose again to leave.

"Wait just a doggone minute, Jim," growled McCoy, more in his usual style. "You said Spock went down on you?"

Jim nodded, not looking at him.

"Did you ejaculate?"

"Yes! Shit, Bones, do you have to know that?"

"If one of your crew ingested it, then yes, I have to know that. Believe me, just trying to imagine that pointy-eared hobgoblin with his – " McCoy shuddered. "Never mind. You didn't return the favor?"

"No," Jim replied forcefully. "After I came, Barnett pulled her fingers out of me and started sucking on Spock, and I kind of wandered off in a daze."

"You gotta be kidding me."

"Nope. While Uhura was humping his hip."

They were both silent for a moment.

"So," said McCoy, trying to sound casual. "Was he any good?"

* * *

_**A/N:** For another "follow-up" scene, see "Mistress Gaila, or The Punishment of Dr. Leonard H. McCoy", story #5683780._


End file.
